


All This Shit is Weird

by KayyteeLynne



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dalish Inquisitor, F!inquisitor - Freeform, F/M, NSFW, No scenes, Talked About Only, along with mention of abuse, and in regards to rape tag, comes up a few times throughout the fic, ill try to remember to mark those chapters as well, mage inquisitor, probably some scenes anyway, quarantine got me watching vines and shit, so i threw some in for shits and giggles, tw abuse, tw rape, will be marked as nsfw and wont be integral to the plot in case anyone wants to skip thm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29041929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayyteeLynne/pseuds/KayyteeLynne
Summary: [Titles exhaust me so thanks for having my back, Varric]Remember when I said I was on a fic hiatus? And then I found my old DA:I fic and figured I'd post it here?And now I'm turning said DA:I fic (which I haven't even posted all of yet) into a modern au fic that I decided to start on a whim because I had a ton of ideasYes, I see all you other WIPs. Silence. I am a writer. This is what we do.I'm still probably going to need to go back on hiatus in a month so please accept my deepest apologies for being just another trash fic writer that comes for a hot minute only to disappear againBut I promise once I can come back fully, things will get finished!Alright anyway here's a summary: It's DA:I but in a modern setting and I took a lot more creative liberties and just went wild with it.If you hate Mass Effect endings you might hate this. That's all I'm saying about that.Welcome to my hell, enjoy!
Relationships: Female Inquisitor/Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

“I know dwarves don’t exactly frequent Haven, but this is just humiliating.” Varric swung his legs back and forth under him, then turned his attention back to his drink. “We like to drink just as much as the next guy, yanno.”

Cullen glanced at him at the corner of his eye. “Should I get you a box?”

“Go fuck yourself, Curly.” But he grinned, then picked up his beer.

“Remind me again why you’re here.”

“Cassandra will die before she admits it, but you guys need me more than you realize.”

Cullen took a moment to drink. He wasn’t exactly what one would call a barfly. Truth be

told, he never had the time for it. He felt anxious in the dimly lit bar; he should have been doing something. But Varric had a point; there was nothing for him to do. Not until after tomorrow. After the Conclave. “We don’t even know what will happen tomorrow.”

Varric pointed his glass at him. “Exactly.” He paused, drank. “When shit hits the fan - and 

you know it will - you will need my expertise.”

“And what exactly is that? You’re no soldier.”

“Sure, not by your standards. But I’ve seen a war or two. And I know people.”

“What kind of people?”

“Don’t you worry that pretty blond head of yours.”

Cullen grunted, annoyed with the dwarf, and they had only just met a few hours ago. “I don’t know how you talked me into coming here.” 

“Because clearly you need a fucking drink,” Varric said. “Tightass templar.”

“Not a templar.”

“Once a templar, always a templar.”

Cullen turned and sneered at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, come on, why are you getting all defensive? I thought templars were all proud and shit.”

Cullen turned to stare into his glass. “It’s complicated.”

Varric sighed. “Tragic. How do I always attract tragic people? Everyone’s got a fucking story.” He drank, then brightened. “Hey. Maybe yours will be worth writing.”

“What? No. Write what?”

Varric laughed. “I may be known to thread a tale or two.” He frowned. “I guess you haven’t read my books.”

“I’ll fucking kill you,” Cullen muttered.

“So, what’s yours?”

“My what?” he snapped.

“Your story. Sister killed by darkspawn? Lover killed in the blight?”

“What’s  _ yours _ ?”

Varric smiled. He straightened and pulled his shoulders back. “Me? Well, I always just seem to be in the right place at the right time.” He drank. “And that’s how I know that this may be a story worth writing about one day.”

The door to the bar opened, bringing with it a rush of cold, winter air that sent a chill up his spine. Cullen looked up at the two women who stepped into the bar, and his gaze met a pair of warm, golden eyes, bright and stark in the dim lighting, contrasted by the dark hair that fell in waves over her shoulders. Pointed ears that marked her as Elven jutted out from her hair, studded with various piercings. Her jeans hugged the natural curves of her body, while her blouse was looser, hanging off her shoulders delicately and exposing a bit of torso. Tattoos marked her arms and shoulders, vivid and bold, but were fainter on her neck and face, in fewer, softer tones, outlining her eyes in elegant swirls. She smiled before turning to the short haired blonde woman at her side, and they disappeared into the crowd.

“That was the first time he ever saw her,” Varric narrated. “The woman that would change his life forever.”

“Shut up,” Cullen hissed at him.

“She’s hot,” Varric said. “Even for an elf.” He laughed. “Now that would be a story.”

“You’re going back to Kirkwall after tomorrow, right?”

“Aw, come on, Curly. Loosen up. That’s why I dragged you down here. Hell, go talk to her. Take her in the back alleyway. Enjoy yourself, and never see her again.”

“No, thank you,” Cullen muttered.

“Aw, are you the romantic type?”

Cullen stood abruptly.

“Alright! Alright! I’m kidding! Sit your tight ass down and drink with me. I won’t say another word.”

Cullen grunted, but sat.

“I’m starting to think Giggles would have been more fun. I thought elves liked to drink? But then again, he is an apostate. Trying to keep a low profile and all. Ha. You must be dying over that, huh? Joining forces with a mage?”

“I’m not thrilled about it.”

“They’re not all so bad, you know.”

“I am aware.”

“One of these days, though, I am getting Cassandra drunk. We’ll see who’s all tough and scary, then! She seems like someone that has a soft interior, though. Like you.”

“Rum and Coke.”

Varric turned to the voice that came from his other side. His gaze met the dark haired woman’s, and he offered her his most flattering smile. “Well, hey there.”

She leaned against the bar as she waited, but turned so her body faced him. “Is that your phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Varric laughed. “I’m supposed to be the one throwing out terrible pick-up lines.”

She smirked and shrugged. “Figured I’d save you the embarrassment.”

“Actually,” Varric started. “My friend here is happy to see you.”

“Varric,” Cullen hissed. 

The woman’s gaze moved past Varric and met Cullen’s. “Your friend doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself.”

“He doesn’t.”

“Maybe I can help him with that.”

Varric frowned. “Is that gonna cost me money?”

She laughed. “Maker, no!”

“Maybe it should,” the blonde woman said, pushing herself through the crowd and sliding up beside her friend. “If you’re gonna keep looking to get laid, you could at least make some money off of it.”

The dark haired woman grinned, then held her hand out. “Calliope.” She gestured to her friend. “This is Jenny.”

Varric shook her hand. “Varric,” he said. “Cullen.”

Calliope met Cullen’s gaze once more and smiled. “A pleasure, gentlemen.” She took a moment to look him up and down, then winked. “I do have a thing for templars.”

“Don’t waste your time,” Varric said. “He wouldn’t know what to do with a beautiful woman.”

The bartender returned briefly with her drink before hurrying off to tend to other patrons. 

“You flatter me, Varric.”

“I only speak the truth, my lady.”

“Ugh,” Jenny said. “I think I’m gonna be sick.” She turned away from them.

Calliope took her drink, then moved to follow her friend, glancing at Varric and Cullen one last time and offering a smile in parting.

Varric turned to Cullen and frowned. “What the hell? I set you up! Where the fuck were you? She was ready! She practically threw herself at you! You had her!”

“I - what?”

“You could be fucking her right now!”

“You’re impossible,” Cullen muttered.

“You need to get laid,” Varric said. “It’s painfully obvious. What’s the harm in a little stress relief?”

“I don’t -”

“I don’t care, you giant baby! You’ll never see her again! Get out of your damn head for one night, will ya?”

Cullen moved his gaze around the bar, but in the dim lighting, he could not pick her out. “I don’t… I wouldn’t… what do I even say?”

Varric shook his head. “Curly, you poor, deprived boy. You work too much. You’re too serious. It’s bad for your health. You need to have fun once in a while.”

“Bad for my health?”

“Just go out there and flirt with her. You can do that, right?”

Cullen hesitated, and Varric sighed.

“She  _ is _ way out of your league. She’s smart, witty, beautiful. One word out of your mouth and she’ll be running for the door, no matter how much she might want it.”

“Thank you for that confidence boost,” Cullen muttered.

Varric grinned. “You’re considering it?”

Cullen sighed, then quickly finished his drink. He tapped on the counter, signaling for another.

“Alright! Let’s get you laid!”

A second drink was brought over, and Cullen quickly finished it off.

“Don’t over do it,” Varric warned. “We don’t need you sloppy and embarrassing.” He scanned the room for a moment until he finally picked Calliope out. “There. With her friend. Tell ya what. I’ll distract the friend so you can get her alone. Buy her a drink. Talk to her like she’s just another person. You got this.” He turned to the bartender. “Four of those rum and Coke things.”

When the bartender brought the drinks, Varric slid two to Cullen, then took the other two. “Let’s go!”

Cullen begrudgingly took the drinks, then followed Varric into the crowd as he approached the two women. Calliope smiled when she met Varric’s gaze.

“Ladies,” he said in greeting. 

“Couldn’t stay away, I see,” Calliope said.

“We brought drinks.” He offered his to Jenny, and she rolled her eyes.

“I don’t do dwarves,” she said.

“I think I could make you change your mind,” Varric said with a wink.

Jenny laughed sharply. “You’re just trying to get them alone together.”

Varric raised a hand defensively. “You got me.”

Jenny shrugged. She took his drink, then flashed a grin at Calliope. “Bye!”

Calliope frowned, then turned and met Cullen’s gaze. “Is that for me?”

“I guess so.”

Calliope smiled and took it, allowing her fingers to brush against his. They lingered for a moment before she pulled away. “You’re really bad at this, huh?”

“Ignore him,” Cullen said. “Ignore everything he has said tonight.”

Calliope gave him a flirtatious smile. “So you  _ do  _ know what to do with a beautiful woman?”

“I - uh - no. Yes. I mean. You’re not - you are, but -”

Calliope laughed. “Man, and I thought you templars were smart.”

“I’m far smarter than I must appear right now,” he muttered.

Calliope smiled over her glass as she drank, meeting his gaze. “I think it’s cute.”

“I guess that’s something.”

“You two are funny,” Calliope said. “How long have you known each other?”

“Oh, about ten hours.”

Calliope’s eyes widened. “What? Really? That’s hilarious.” She paused to drink. “Let me guess; he dragged you out here tonight?”

“Yes.”

“How did you meet?”

Cullen hesitated. “A mutual friend introduced us.”

She nodded. 

“Uh. What about you and Jenny?”

“We’ve known each other forever,” she said. “Practically grew up together. Now we’re just out here traveling. Seeing the world. Living life. Are you from around here?”

“Ferelden.”

“Ah. Sure.”

“What about you?”

Calliope smiled devilishly. “Around.” She finished her drink, then grabbed Cullen’s wrist, pulling him to the bar. “Buy me another?”

“That depends,” he said. “Are you going to keep using me for free drinks?”

She smiled. “Alright, fair enough. This one’s on me. It’s the least I can do since you finally made… some kind of a move.”

“Are you expecting me to make a move?”

She met his gaze. “Do you want to make a move?”

“I did not come here looking for a hookup.”

She smiled. “That wasn’t what I asked.” She leaned closer, putting a hand on his chest and whispered in his ear. “If you want to make a move, then make a move.”

A chill ran up Cullen’s spine and his pulse pounded in his ears. 

Calliope leaned away slightly. “Or, I can go rescue my friend and continue on our way. I’m down either way.”

“I guess I’d have to be an idiot to pass up that offer,” Cullen said. 

Calliope shrugged. “Not at all. But for what it’s worth, we’ll never see each other again after this.”

“Alright. To never seeing each other again.” He held his glass up, and she tapped hers against it. She smiled, then grabbed his wrist once more, guiding him through the bar and out a back door. 

*****

Calliope strode down the alleyway, stepping around the corner and down the sidewalk. Jenny was leaning against the far end of the building, a cigarette between two fingers as she moved it to her lips. She glanced at Calliope, then straightened as she approached.

“Anything?”

Calliope shook her head.

“Fuckin’ piss,” Jenny muttered. She flicked the cigarette to the ground and put it out with the toe of her boot. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Calliope said. “We’ll find out everything we need to know at the Conclave tomorrow.”

“I dunno how you do it,” Jenny said. “I wanted to kill myself hanging around that dwarf. How you can flirt around and shit? Where’d ya go, anyway? Don’t tell me you fucked that templar.”

Calliope smiled. “Let’s go,” she said simply, and she strode across the street to the parking lot. She clicked the button on her keys, and the black car beeped twice, unlocking. She slid in behind the driver’s seat, turned the key in the ignition, and peeled out of the parking lot, leaving Haven behind them for good. 


	2. Chapter 1 [NSFW]

## [Chapter 1 Continued...]

“Alright. To never seeing each other again.” He held his glass up, and she tapped hers against it. She smiled, then grabbed his wrist once more, guiding him through the bar and out a back door.

## [*****NSFW*****]

Cullen was a traditional man when it came to most things. One night stands were not a thing he made a habit of. And he had definitely never hooked up with anyone in a dark alleyway behind a bar. Even as Calliope lead him out back with such confidence, he started to have doubts. This wasn’t the kind of guy that he was. But, then again, why not? What did it matter? They’d never see each other again. Maybe Varric was right. Maybe he needed to loosen up. If the last decade taught him anything, well, he had certainly been through enough to allow himself one moment of pleasure. It was only sex, after all. Sex with a beautiful woman he would never see again. Maker knew he didn’t exactly have time for a relationship, anyway. Nor was he in the state of mind to handle one.

“Are you sure about this?”

He nearly jumped at the sound of her voice, and he met her gaze. She leaned her back against the brick wall and pulled at his arm, bringing him closer to her.

“You seem to be at war with yourself, and losing terribly.”

The corner of his lip pulled up into a crooked, half smile. “I don’t lose wars,” he said.

Calliope laughed lightly, but was cut off as his lips met hers suddenly. He pressed himself against her, the action both forceful, yet gentle, tender, if such a thing could be said. His lips lingered on her for a soft moment, and without breaking, his hands moved under her shirt, his fingers delicately tracing the curves of her hips and up to her breasts. Goosebumps marked the path his fingers traced on her skin, causing her to shiver slightly and a light moan to escape her throat.

She deepened their kiss, first biting at his lower lip. His lips parted and his hand traced back down her side, coming to rest on her thigh. She moved her own hand to rest for a moment on his hip, then let her fingers brush against the bulge in his pants as she worked to unbutton them. Her body arched slightly towards him as his fingers moved up her inner thigh, gently stroking her before working at the buttons to her own pants.

Though they were still fully clothed, Cullen was very aware of every inch of her body against his. His blood pulsed through him, seemingly depriving him completely of the energy his brain needed to function, but he allowed himself to succumb to the pleasure that pulsed through him. He pulled back slightly, breaking their passionate kiss, and moved his lips to trail down to her neck, forcefully taking apart the buttons to her pants as he did so and pulling them down just enough to reveal the lacey thong beneath them.

He paid no mind to her undergarments, his mind only focusing on the warm hand that suddenly slipped through him and gripped his penis. With her other hand, Calliope pulled his jeans and boxers down, her hand slowly moving up and down as she pulled him closer, placing him between her warm thighs. He bit the skin of her neck, moaning against her as she rubbed him against her clit.

A wave of pleasure washed through him so forcefully, his mind felt as if it were spinning. He couldn’t focus on anything but his body’s demand to be inside of her. He pulled away from her neck just long enough to grab her legs, hoisting her up against the wall. He pressed against her as her legs wrapped around him, and he entered her, slowly at first. He pressed against her, moving deeper, and for a moment, all he could do was rest his head against hers as the pleasure ripped through him like a wildfire. 

Calliope wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed him gently as he began to thrust, slow and gentle at first. Her body ached hungrily for him, but pressed against him and the wall as she was, she was at his mercy. She moved her hands into his hair, and he returned to kissing, biting, and sucking at her neck. She leaned her head back with a satisfied sigh, tightening her hold on him with her legs, and the thrusting quickened, harder and faster.

He held her up with one hand, the other pressed against the wall beside her as he continued to thrust, reeling in the pleasure of her warmth as he slid in and out of her. He could feel her restricting against him, tightening as she was brought closer to orgasm, and the sensation almost became too much. He fought desperately against his clouded mind, focusing only on the action of thrusting against her. Her hands had moved to his back, and her fingers scratched up his back, closing and opening as pleasure washed through her. She was wet and warm, and she let out another pleasurable moan as she reeled against him.

He moved harder against her, deeper, thrusting, moaning as she tightened against him, until it became too much for them both. He felt her release, felt her cum against him, and before he could think to do anything else, he released inside of her, a pleasured gasp escaping his throat as he leaned into her, pulsing, cumming. 

They breathed heavily against one another, waiting as their blood flow returned to normal. He pulled out of her, dripping slightly, and for a moment, their gazes met. 

Maybe it should have been awkward. But he stared into her eyes, and she stared back, hesitant for a moment that felt endless. And then a smile pulled at her lips, and she let out a light, breathy laugh. Before he could say anything, her lips pressed against his, soft and delicate, lingering for a moment before she pulled away. And as she did, he pulled away, too. Her legs came down from his waist, and he set her gently back onto the ground where she began to pull her pants back up. He followed her lead as they dressed in silence, and when they were finished, she met his gaze with a smile.

“Alright,” she said. “Have a nice life. See ya never.”

Cullen watched as she strode down the alleyway, fixing her hair quickly. She glanced over her shoulder at him and smiled before stepping around the corner and disappearing. 

Cullen leaned against the brick wall for a moment. His breath had returned to normal, along with his blood flow, but still, he waited there for a moment, his hands in his pockets. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but there was something about her. Maybe it was just his body still reeling from the pleasure that he was confusing with another, completely different emotion, but he wanted to see her again. He had to.

He hurried down the alleyway to follow after her, but when he turned the corner, she was nowhere to be found. 


End file.
